I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
my phone needs a breathalizer
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
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i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
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Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize