Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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