I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
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rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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