i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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