we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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