you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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