I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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