You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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