Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
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It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
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Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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