I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Randomize