My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
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the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
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He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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