i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
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Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
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We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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