You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
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Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
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I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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