you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
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