I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
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Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
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COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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