plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
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he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
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I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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