do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
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