What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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