apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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