And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
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I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
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I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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