I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
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How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
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The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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