Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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