My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
it glows. i had to have it.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
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Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
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You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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