Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
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he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
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She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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