Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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