You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
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Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
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If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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