I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
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I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
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Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
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