I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
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Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
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Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
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