i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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