It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
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It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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