OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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