I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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