Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
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Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
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My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize