Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Success! We fucked roommates!
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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