We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
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What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
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My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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