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Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
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