I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
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You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
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Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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