There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize