I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
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Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
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Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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