Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
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Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
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I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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