Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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