Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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