1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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