there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
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My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
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I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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