how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize