Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
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Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
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Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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