This dress was meant to end up on your floor
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
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