I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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