My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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