you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
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I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
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Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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